Bared Heart
by Bobbie23
Summary: Amanda is adjusting to motherhood.


**Author Note – set a few months after Jesse is born. Keep in mind I am veering away from the shows timeline about the baby's conception as I don't think Amanda would sleep with Murphy if Nick was still in New York (who would you choose if Nick was an option?). Please don't forget to review.**

 **Disclaimer – I don't own, just borrowing for fun.**

Bared Heart

' _Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.'_ _Debra Ginsberg_

Motherhood isn't easy and you never expected it to be. In fact, you were horrified when you saw that little pink cross staring back at you. Your body went into shock and trembled from the force of the sobs you had no control over. It felt like days passed before you stopped shaking. At first you blamed yourself, you should have taken precautions. You knew better, you both did. In the year since Jesse was conceived you've never come to terms with your actions that night, and you doubt you ever will.

The following day you sat anxiously in the doctor's office fully expecting to ask about your options, but you couldn't bring yourself to say the words. The doctor took your silence as consent to prattle on about what you would need to do, the vitamins, the information to collect from reception. But his monotone voice faded into the back ground as you couldn't stop thinking of the children you encounter on the job, everything they are saved from. You had nothing to offer, no money, you were barely making enough even with taking on as much overtime as you could to pay back debts, and you couldn't do the overtime and give a child the time they deserve.

You never expected to make this decision, but you thought you were sure of your decision if it happened. Only you couldn't ask about a termination, surprising yourself more than anyone. It didn't make sense. You were alone and terrified yet fiercely protective of the child growing inside of you. You were going to be a mother. It was a brash decision which left you in a daze, blurting it out to those nearest to you at the time because you needed to tell someone. Carisi, Olivia, Fin, they were all supportive when they found out. Encouraging without being pushy because they knew what it took for you to admit this and how much time you still needed to get used to this.

Others weren't so kind, barely bothering to conceal their shock when they found out you were pregnant let alone your intention to keep the baby. The whispers, the stares were nothing new to you. You learnt to ignore them at a young age. Like always it pushed you to prove them, yourself included, wrong.

And you have.

Mostly.

A year later, you still notice the raised eyebrows but it's easier to deal with because you're coping. The gossips now coo over your child while not so subtly ask about your life as a single parent, probing about the absent father. You grit your teeth and proudly tell them about the milestones Jesse is passing.

Of course it's a struggle, but you can't change your mind. You can't give Jesse up now, no more than you could when you found out you were pregnant. Most of the time it's instinctual, the rest of the time you have no idea what you're doing. You feel a little lost and like you're winging it and you expect someone to call you on it at any minute. Usually, it's one of the mothers from the baby group the midwife suggested, one of the ones who are on their fourth baby and have experienced everything and anything and know a lot more than anyone does about raising a child. None of them have yet, only raised their eyebrows at some of the questions you ask, as if you should have known the answer before you became a mother.

From her position lying on the changing mat on your bed, Jesse gurgles happily as she waves her arms at you while you finishing changing her diaper. You smile at her and grab her bare foot, pressing a raspberry to it to make her giggle, it's your new favourite sound after all, before trying to wrestle it back into her onesie. She kicks her legs excitedly; she knows you're almost done. You fasten the last of the buttons and leave her lying surrounded by pillows as you quickly tie the used diaper bag and put the cream and wipes back into the changing bag. You tuck it beside the bed and pick her up, cooing softly as she settles against you. You inhale her scent automatically, it soothes you. You pat her back automatically, relishing the last few moments before be all the while hoping the middle of the night feeds will be fuss free.

As a cop, you've learnt to be alert on the spur of the moment but you always held a grudge against middle of the night call outs. Waking up to Jesse at all hours doesn't bother you like you expected it to, you enjoy any time you get to spend with your daughter. At first you panicked, you had no experience with babies and you sure as hell had no clue as to which cry meant what. It drove you crazy not being able to figure out what your daughter needed and it felt like you failed over and over again when she didn't stop crying when you picked her up. Sometimes it feels like she's judging you along with the rest of the world but she forgives you quickly and easily once you discover the source of her discomfort.

Anyway that's sort of behind you because you've figured out which cry means she's hungry, which cry means her diaper needs changing. That one was easy because it is usually backed up by your nose, but you've smelt with worse on the job. Right now that's furthest from your mind because you know teething is a few short months away and that'll bring its own set of cries with it. You'll be happy when she's at least Noah's age and can start to point at what hurts.

People always try to reassure you the child will never remember, and you feel like telling them that you'll never forget feeling like you failed her or that it'll fester like all your failures do. You don't because you don't want anyone to think you're weak or rethinking this. For the first time in your life the sense of achievement is stronger than failure.

And your tolerance for people butting in with helpful tips on your parenting is getting better. You found it easier when you were showing because people willingly offered advice, well strangers did. People who know you know you wouldn't welcome that kind of interference. Carisi, Fin, and Olivia have all kept a close eye on you, making sure you weren't alone. They hovered while you were in the hospital, even the first few days when you were home.

You feel Jesse sigh against your neck and her head bumps into yours as she fists your shirt. You're constantly amazed by how she relies and trusts you. You run your hand over the back of her head, preparing to support it as you lower her into her bassinette. Thankfully she's picked up on a routine just like you've picked up on her cries. She looks at you sleepily, doesn't fuss as her eyes grow heavy.

"Goodnight Jesse," you whisper and bend to kiss her forehead.

She wriggles and settles as you back away out of the room taking the monitor and used diaper with you. Frannie perks up from spot on the rug only to drop her head back down when she realises it's just you. She's been so good with Jesse and happier that you're at home a lot. You put the monitor on the coffee table and start to pick up toys and clothes which are strewn about the living room. You still haven't gotten used to how much stuff someone so small needs. It seems to have taken over the entire apartment.

Murphy's offered to help find and pay for a two bedroom but you're worried what he'll expect in return. Neither of you have spoken about visitation or how involved he'll be with Jesse. At the moment it's just about money, his insistence not yours. You took this on without expecting to tell him, cost and all. He hasn't turned up to see her, you don't expect him to. But he has a knack for doing the opposite of what you expect him to and it constantly plays on your mind. In an effort to prevent the inevitable you've offered to send him a picture. He balked at the idea and you think he's either distancing himself or trying to protect her in case one of his ops goes bad and someone finds her photo on his phone. Either way you can't figure him out, and you can't stop feeling like it's a business transaction rather than providing for your child. If he doesn't have a relationship with her, you don't know what to tell her when she starts asking about him, or what he wants her to know. _You_ only know what he lets you know and that's not much.

You fold the last of Jesse's onesies and drop onto the sofa with a sigh. Frannie reacts immediately, intent on some cuddle time of her own, only to be foiled by a knock at the door. You sigh again and look at the clock, you're not expecting anyone. Frannie is alert and on your heels. She's always been protective but now there's two people for her to look after. You do a quick check through the peep hole to see your partner standing on the other side of the door. Instantly you're on edge, he never comes by without calling first. You open the door quickly and give him a once over which isn't restricted by a peep hole.

"Fin?" You ask and he responds with a goofy grin as Frannie trots out into the hall to greet him, sniffing around him as he scratches behind her ear.

"Hey 'Manda," he says while playing with the dog.

Down the hall you hear someone shuffling then stumble as someone tries to regain their footing. Frannie stops playing with Fin and stares at them for a moment before bounding down the hall. You peer around your door, expecting to call her off of your neighbour only to see her jumping up at Nick excitedly.

"Nick," you say, pausing much like Frannie did, and you take him in as you're not completely convinced he's here.

You immediately notice his complexion is darker from the California sun, highlighting his cheeks as he plays with Frannie like he used to, and she laps up the attention. His hair a bit longer and unrestricted by the police guidelines on appearance. Stubble covers his chin, adding to the rugged look he has taken on since leaving New York behind. His new life obviously agrees with him. He looks happy and you don't begrudge him that. He's been gone over a year and your life has changed so much. You're not bitter about his decision to move, you encouraged him to do it, but you have missed him.

Frannie pins him against the wall and he squirms as she slathers him with kisses, laughing and wrestling with her as she does. You glance at Fin out of the corner of your eye and his attention is on you not them and you roll your eyes at him. Nick finally plies the dog off of him and beckons her to follow as he walks towards you down the hall.

"Hi Amanda," Nick says as he reaches you, beaming so hard his dimples are visible through the stubble. "How are you?"

"I'm good, what are you doing here?" You ask, completely ignoring Fin. Screw him, he knows better than springing this on you. Heck, they both do. Nick is visiting, so he gets a pass. Sort of.

Nick gestures over his shoulder as if he's just come from there, "I couldn't get time off for the holidays and my moms' birthday so I spent Christmas with the kids in Cali and came home for her birthday."

You bob your head as if any of that makes sense. "No, I meant what are you doing _here_?" You ask with a throwaway wave at your building. Nick's face drops at your cold tone.

"That's my fault," your partner pipes up, dragging your stern stare away from Nick. Fin steps towards you, crowding your view of the hall. "You ain't been out in a while without Jesse, thought it'd be good for you."

While it's true your life inside and outside of the apartment revolves around your daughter they know better than to be presumptuous. You've been to Liv's to introduce Noah to Jesse and to the mother's group, beyond that it's mostly the store or the park to walk Frannie. Time away sounds tempting, but you're pissed at them for making that decision for you.

"I don't have a sitter," you remind them.

"Uncle Fin," Fin says gesturing to himself.

"Fin," you drag out his name in protest but it doesn't faze your partner. You know what he's trying to do, and if things weren't as awkward as they are between you and Nick you would appreciate it. You chance a glance at Nick only to find him innocently staring back at you, waiting for your decision. You wonder how much has been said between them, if you were the hot topic of conversation. The thought is unmerited but you can't help it even though you know them better than that, Nick isn't likely to blab about not talking to you for months and Fin is less likely to talk to Nick about your life.

"I brought this for Jesse," Nick says when you don't answer, lifting the bulging pale pink bag in his hand.

You exhale and relent, unable to deny anyone bringing something for Jesse. "Thanks," you reply, reaching for it. He lets you take it. You back away into the apartment and leave the door open for them to follow.

"What exactly did you have in mind?" You ask as you dig through the bag which is over flowing with clothes for your little girl as well as a sweet plush teddy bear. Your eyes connect with Nick over Fin's shoulder and you share a small smile. It's been months since you spoke, since you told him you were pregnant and he wasn't the father. You couldn't blame him, of course he was going to wonder. You made a mistake and it's cost you a friendship and a confidante and there were times during your pregnancy when you desperately wanted to talk to him. Apparently Nick's forgotten all about abruptly hanging up on you or maybe it's just for Fin's benefit.

"Um, it's a surprise," Nick says as pushes the door shut.

"You haven't planned anything," you tease and put the bag next to the sofa and move the clothes you just folded from the coffee table back to the basket.

"I've made plans," Nick protests with fake indignation.

You cast a doubtful look at the bedroom door. "We could just stay here," you offer. As soon as the words are out of your mouth you know they're going to turn you down. It isn't like you to stay in and you are secretly touched by their concern.

"Get your coat Rollins, a break will do you good," Fin tells you.

You eye him warily for a moment before staring at Nick as he hovers by the front door expectantly. You know you need to get used to the idea of leaving Jesse with a sitter because your return to work is looming. The thought of leaving your daughter is becoming more daunting by the day. You can't be a stay at home mom, you won't let yourself become dependent on Murphy.

"What if-," you start but Fin cuts you off.

"I can handle it, if not I'll call you. It's just a few hours," Fin promises as he shrugs out of his coat and settles on to your sofa, reaching for the television remote without waiting for an invitation.

In a last ditch effort, you look to Nick for help but all he does is shrug apologetically. His expression eases you a little. It's easier to surrender to this _lovingly_ enforced eviction from your home and daughter if he's willing too. Instead of arguing you look down at your clothes, noting the tiniest spot of baby sick which is smeared from where you wiped it after burping Jesse. You sigh.

"Let me go change," you tell them and you disappear before they can protest.

In your bedroom you check on Jesse. She's drifted off peacefully, undisturbed by the uninvited guests. As quickly and quietly as you can you change your top and pull on a light sweater over it. Your black jeans are quickly exchanged for blue ones and your tan boots go on after. Looking in the mirror you pick at your messy blonde tresses. You run your brush through in an effort to tame it, pull it back with a butterfly clip. Now that you look socially acceptable it's easier to walk into the living room without showing how much this is bothering you, only just managing not to twirl for their appraisal.

Five minutes later, after you've told Fin where the changing bag is and how to heat the bottle in the fridge, you're walking side by side with Nick down the street. Neither one of you has said anything since you left your apartment and try not to notice Nick glancing at you out of the corner of his eye. You have no idea where you're going, you're following Nick's lead. You're still convinced this was a spur of the moment decision concocted by Fin and he has nothing planned at all.

"So where are we going?" You ask when you stop at a crossing.

"Ice skating," Nick announces.

"Skating?" You repeat dumbly. The red man turns green and you start to cross.

"Yeah," Nick confirms with a sad flash of a smile. "I usually take Zara every year, but I had to leave her in California because of school."

"I'm sorry," you say quietly and he waves you off. It's hard for him to talk about his situation with his children, he tortures himself with it. You felt for him but never really understood it before you had Jesse.

"She's sad but she wants to take up roller blading instead," he shrugs it off, clear he will miss the tradition more than his daughter does but you know he will try to master roller blading because Zara asked him to.

"There's got to be rinks out there."

"There is, but it's not like New York."

You want to come back with a joke to lighten the mood change but you can't. His shoulder nudges yours and you know he doesn't hold it against you.

"So, how's Jesse doing?" Nick asks with a loud cough.

"She's good, she's smiling and giggling," you beam with pride. "The doctor is happy with her." He smiles with you, keeping his eyes on your face longer than necessary. "What?"

He shakes his head. "I just…you're a mom."

Your smile drops. "Yeah, takes some getting used to." Your pick up your pace but his longer stride catches up in no time.

"That's not what I meant."

"Really? Everyone is thinking the same, why would you be any different?"

"Because I know you better than them." You continue walking but his hand finds your elbow, holding you till you stop. It falls away before you can throw him off. "I'm sorry."

"I'm still getting used to being someone's parent," you admit quietly and his face softens.

He doesn't try to assure that you're doing a great job, he hasn't been here so he doesn't know. "I've never gotten used to it."

"And you're okay with that?" You frown, finding hard to think of him like that, he's a natural father who would do anything for his children.

Nick shakes his head. "No."

You huff out a breath. "Thanks for being reassuring," you say dryly.

"It took me a long time to realise it's part of being a parent, you obsess about what you're doing wrong and don't see what you're doing right. All you can do is your best."

"What if that's not enough?"

"You don't back down from a challenge Amanda," he tells you softly though he knows there is nothing he can say to appease you. You've both seen and experienced first-hand the type of upbringing you are afraid you will unwillingly bestow to Jesse. Nick does half a turn on his heel and continues walking, jutting his head to encourage you to go with him. You walk for another block in silence.

"You could have told me sooner," Nick says without looking at you.

Heat rises to your cheeks despite the cold wind. It was only about a week after you told Carisi and Olivia, and then it was only because you didn't want him to find out from anyone else. You cradled the phone between your shoulder and ear and blurted it out because you didn't have a clue what else to say. There was no delicate way to tell him 'I'm pregnant and it's not yours'. You expected the anger, he's been angry with you before but he's never stopped talking to you. "I know, I wanted to. I knew you would be upset."

"I was angry and I had no right to be, but I got a little…" Nick shamefully admits.

"Territorial," you finish for him. You clear your throat loudly. "Yeah, you had no right."

You both agreed to a clean break when he moved to California, you never made any promises. It didn't work out that way. You missed him so you went out to get drunk and find someone who could take your mind off of him for a while and you stumbled across Murphy in the process. You can't even remember who made the first move and hate to think it could've been you. Unfortunately, you weren't the only one who trouble adjusting.

"But I had the right to ask if she was mine."

Your head snaps around. "Is that what this is? You needed to make sure I wasn't depriving you from deciding between your kids and Jesse? She's not yours Nick."

You feel like telling him who her father is just to prove a point. It won't accomplish much, except hurting Nick's ego more than it is and possibly initiate another confrontation between the men. And you really don't want Nick to know Murphy replaced him in your bed even if it only happened once. There wasn't an overlap, you slept with Murphy weeks after Nick left but it was close enough that you did question, hope, Jesse wasn't Murphy's. But the doctor dashed those hopes at your first appointment.

"So her father? He knows? He's involved?" He doesn't look at you, it's for your protection as much as his and you know there was a part of him hoping Jesse was his. His ego is bruised already and you don't want to land another blow. You don't blame him, that's who he is, he opens his heart before he realises he has. You knew both Murphy and Nick would support you, but you knew for certain Nick would support Jesse too.

"He knows," you admit. "I wouldn't describe him as involved."

"What does that mean exactly?"

You can understand why he's being defensive, he's a single dad who's been put through the ringer by both of his exes when it came to his children but you're not sure if he's asking because he's protective of you or if he wants to make sure another dad isn't being screwed for access to their child.

"He's taking care of his responsibility," you say quickly, rolling your eyes at the memory of how Murphy described the pregnancy when he found out. Using his words doesn't make saying or accepting them any easier. "He hasn't said, but it's clear that's as far as it goes."

"Hmm."

And there's the tone your own mind takes on when you think about Murphy's new role in your life, the one that judges you and him. He was like a mentor to you. You looked up to him, but your rose tinted glasses have been well and truly knocked off. You still respect him but you will never feel as comfortable as you once did around him. Sex changes things, makes you more self-conscious.

"It was a mistake and I regret it," you tell him. "But Jesse isn't."

Nick nods his approval. You take seven steps before he speaks again. "Are you going back to SVU?"

Finally, a change of subject. Your lips twitch unintentionally. "I want to and Liv and I are going to talk about it. I don't know how it's going to work with two single moms in the same unit."

You know how hard it is for the other woman and you can't imagine how difficult it will be juggling both your schedules. You don't want to give it up but it takes a lot of dedication and you don't want Jesse to grow up feeling like she comes second.

"You love it there," Nick reminds you.

"I do," you agree. "But I'd give it up for Jesse."

' _Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.'_ _Elizabeth Stone_


End file.
